I was stunned to learn this man, who I had loved, had married the previous day. He didn’t even have  enough respect for me to tell me himself. Does that surprise me, yes and no. Yes, because I expected  more from a man who professed at one time to love me. I would have expected a basic respect for the relationship we shared. Especially given that it only ended one year ago.

In retrospect there were times  in our relationship when I felt he didn’t know how to respect a woman fully.  When I felt disrespected and told him that. In that realization, I’m sad and angry. It makes me sad to realize he didn’t learn from the mistakes. Respect is not negotiable.  It was his responsibility to tell me himself that he was getting married.

What have I learned from this? I’ve learned that there are men who simply don’t understand that they’re disrespectful to the people in their life. I hesitate to say awful things because that’s not the kind of person I am. It isn’t how I live my life. What I can say, what I will say is that the karma of his behavior and the  way he treated me  will someday touch his heart. We can never make choices and hurt people without knowing that hurt and that pain ourselves at some time in the future. I’ve seen it happen, I’ve felt it happen in my own life.

I wish him well, I truly do. I’ve been married. I understand the committment of marriage. I wish the best for anyone who makes that kind of committment in their life. For me I’m finding peace and releasing the pain.

 There are men who know how to completely respect women. I’ve been in relationships with men who are deeply loving and respectful. In the last two weeks since I received this news, I heard from someone I dated almost 20 years ago and his thoughtful comment  about what I’d done for him, and what it meant to him was God’s way of reminding me,  there are men who actually appreciate the energy, love and kindness I bring  to a relationship. That was the reminder I needed after this experience.

“If you want to be loved, be loving.”

Dr. Norris Chumley

Renaissance Island

 Renaissanace Island Aruba

“There are three components to the Law Of Dharma. The first component says that each of us is here to discover our true Self, to find out on our own that our true Self is spiritual, that essentially we are spiritual beings that have taken manifestation in physical form. We are not human beings having occasional spiritual experiences – it’s the other way around: we’re spiritual beings that have occasional human experiences.”

From the book “The Seven Spiritual Law’s of Success” Deepak Chopra

Money By: Tracy O Flickr

Minutes later, as I stood in Arby’s getting a sandwich I noticed the man with the sign walk in. I hadn’t been able to reach him on the street, as I was in the middle lane. Now he entered the restaurant asking for a cup of water and I felt compelled to reach out to him in some small way. I spoke to him and said I saw you on the street and wasn’t able to reach you, but I wanted to help. I handed him the few dollars in cash I had in my wallet. He seemed deeply touched that I had reached out. I told him I hoped he would have a good day, and I sent a silent prayer of blessing to him. I think the most important aspect of this experience for me was the realization of how important it is to reach out to others in this economic downturn. It wasn’t about the few dollars I gave him, it was about acknowledging him and his struggle. So as I go through my day and my week I hold that recognition in my heart to acknowledge others in their moments of need and reach out in some form. It touches my life as it touches theirs.

Clutter By: BonBonMom Flickr

The next stage after her husband’s retirement was a six month trip around the world. They kept a pace that amazes me even today, they were in city after city, country after country exploring, meeting other travelers, writing, and occasionally resting and relaxing.

Stage three, re-entry into life in the US, via a lake community in northern Maine, near their families. They bought a tiny lake front cottage that had been in the family for years. They spent the summer months preparing the house for winter living and buying the necesities they would need to live through winter in the far reaches of northern Maine. They survived and even thrived, working from home with their web based business and their writing careers while David took classes online. They survived some real challenges..plumbing or a lack of after a winter freeze took out their toilet and shower. Thus began the bucket brigade and a search for an eco toilet. Just when they thought they had survived the harshest conditions northern Maine was hit with spring floods.

Having grown up in Maine they were well aware of the conditions and had planned extensively, they had most things online so documents and business information were safe and secure. They had personal belongings ready to go and even the dogs belongings and food packed. News coverage said they had about 36 hours til they would need to depart and they were in the final stages of preparation when they awoke to several inches of freezing water on their floor and the dog waking them up. At that point they literally had minutes to get out as their SUV’s tail pipes were nearly underwater outside. With a row boat they made several trips with their dog, their computers, and what little belongings could be stuffed into backpacks quickly, knowing they had to get out before the cold water became dangerous to them and before their cars were unable to be driven. As it was, by the time they got out one vehicle was underwater to the tail pipe and couldn’t be driven. It was abandoned there.

What is my point in all this? My point is that this couple have done enormous downsizing. Compared to the average American they are living like the travelers they are. But what they learned is that they still had more downsizing to do. With the loss of their lake house in Maine, they decided to take the plunge and move to the tropical reaches of Florida. They researched, did their homework and went through the challenging process of buying a home in a downturned economy. They are now moved in and have spent the last few weeks sorting through their military shipment that arrived shortly before Christmas. Belongings they had not seen in nearly two years.

Even with the extensive downsizing they’d done in Arizona, they discovered that the energy and time required to own a house full of belongings is simply too much for the scaled down life style they desire. They are now in the midst of their third downsizing and they are feeling the energy of what it takes to release these final things. They sort through things, wondering, why did we keep this in the first place? I think we can all relate to that when we open a box of belongings we have saved and put aside for even a couple years.

Their ultimate goal, I think… being only an observer and friend in this situation is to own a house for the time being, finish the downsizing and create a means to have a very simple stateside residence that they can come home to between world adventures and jobs that may eventually take them to other continents. So what is my point in sharing all of this?

It’s the realization of the energy we use and consume in owning so many belongings. We are a society of people who consume and buy at a feverish rate…at least we did until the economy tanked and now I believe we are all considering our purchases and real needs. I’m as bad as the next person, seriously, I own a home and it’s filled with stuff. My fortune or misfortune to deal with is that it is mostly a house filled with the belongings and furniture of my father, who died unexpectedly five and a half years ago. When he died I was living overseas as a teacher in a one bedroom apartment in Berlin. So my belongings were never until now very extensive. My life, money and energy was spent on travel and overseas life. My father had beautiful things that I have come to treasure, and I have over the past five years done my own downsizing, from my father’s original 4,800 sq feet house to a more manageable 2,300 sq ft home.

I have donated literally truck loads to charity, I have given excess furniture to family members and friends. I have tried to lovingly give my father’s belongings to those who loved him, or would most benefit from them. It has been an exhausting and time consuming process. It was painful and emotional, so I can dearly understand Myscha’s days of struggle with the energy and challenge of their downsizing project.

Just today I spent about and hour and a half in my closet pulling things out and folding them into bags for charity and for friends. I feel like a pretty normal American woman and within an hour I filled to the brim two large garbage bags of shirts, pants, jackets and sweaters that I either never wear, that are too large, or just no longer my style. It is an embarrasing realization to see how much excess the average person has. Seriously how many shirts can we wear? We all have our favorites and mostly the rest get worn occasionally, ditto for pants and jackets. I counted, I have eight light zippered sweatshirt jackets in my closet. How did that happen? I love them all, so those I kept, but it just gives me pause to think about the excess. What does it do for us? Today by the time I
finished I was feeling the emotion and energy of sorting through my belongings. Clothes are a reminder of where we’ve been, who we’ve been and who we are now, so clearing them out was emotionally freeing.

What are you holding on to that doesn’t serve you? Are there things you need to clear out of your life to make way for new life, new energy, new adventures or simply the space to walk through your house without clutter.

Big Island of Hawaii Photo Credit: Lisa Overman

Shifts happen whether we’re aware of them or not. Shifts can happen when we feel loved, when we feel supported and when we understand that we have no need for our old habits or insecurities. Shifts can change our lives; they open our minds to new ways of living and new ways of doing things. Some shifts happen gradually because spirit knows that’s all we can handle, that too much transition is difficult for many people.

In my own life I have had dramatic shifts and gradual shifts. Sometimes the shift was self inspired, ie a move to a completely different culture and country. Nothing shifts your life than faster than getting on a plane and living full throttle in a culture you don’t understand, where they speak a language you can barely comprehend. Moves like that shift your perceptions and life dramatically in both good and bad ways. Through years of living overseas, in situations where I had to adapt I now feel comfortable traveling most places and am willing to embrace cultures and overseas experiences with ease.

Every shift is different and they are not all warm and fuzzy or comfortable. Sometimes a shift takes us far out of our comfort zone and we have to learn to adapt to a new way of thinking. That process of learning to think differently is the shift taking place. When we become at ease and we see our life expanded we realize the shift has occured and it’s usually an exciting time with opportunities and new experiences.

Spirit is always guiding our life, whether we are willing to realize it or not. Some days we fight it, and other days we flow with it. The shifts are a natural progression of our life and knowledge expanding. As we follow spirit and listen to our internal voice of inspiration and love we can make some dramatic shifts and find our life going in some amazing and exciting directions. The secret is letting go and releasing the need to have all the answers. The shift will happen, spirit will guide it, answers will come just as we least expect it.

For many people working a job they dislike is a reality. I can remember a close friend of mine going through a stage where he hated his job. He literally felt ill on Sunday night thinking about going to his job on Monday. Fortunately his situation was temporary and he later earned the job he dreamed of when he passed the foreign service exam and began the journey of working in the diplomatic corp in embassies around the globe. Now he and his wife and daughter move from country to country approximately every three years after a six month stint of language school in the United States between posts. It took him approximately seven years of taking the test before he passed. He was determined and he never gave up. He was clear that he would become a diplomat and do the work he felt was his calling. He now travels the world and loves his work.

I too have that focus and determination in my writing career. I spent years writing on weekends, holidays and summer vacations. I was fortunate that in 2002 I had the resources and support to take a year off from my teaching job and focus completely on my writing career. In that year I accomplished a great deal on my book. It gave me a sense of being near to my goal. It brought me to the point of being ready to write my book proposal, which would be submitted to potential publishers and agents. Just at the time I was beginning the search and the proposal process my father took ill unexpectedly and died of Non Hodgkins Lymphomia. He knew he had cancer for only a few days as everything happened incredibly fast.

My world turned upside down in a matter of 24 hours. I flew from my home in Berlin, Germany to be with my father and didn’t have an opportunity to return to my home, fiancee and two cats for six months. It was a living hell. I was absolutely living a life of quiet desperation. On the surface it looked like I had aquired the American dream; a beautiful house, money and resources. Never in my life, before or after have I felt so desperate to escape the misery I woke up to every day.

Handling the loss of my father was shattering for me. He was 59 and my only remaining parent. My mother had died unexpectedly and quickly six years before from cancer that was detected only three months prior to her death. I felt like I was drowning every single day. I can remember days so deeply painful that I literally considered packing a suitcase, driving to the airport and checking the international flights and choosing something appealing and never looking back and never returning. My life was in so much chaos I just wanted to escape and never return.

My step brother told me later he thought often I would pack up and move back to Hawaii, my former home before heading off to live in Berlin, Germany. At times I know that would have been a far healthier option for me. Some of the chaos and stress I created with my choices, but much of it was foisted upon me with being the executor of a very complicated estate. It took nearly two years of constant attention, meetings, phone calls and paper work to unravel everything. It was literally my living nightmare. There are moments that I can see in retrospect where I had choices. Where I could have reduced the stress and moved out of some portions of the nightmare. It wouldn’t have been over but it may have been easier if I had followed my intuition and not let my fear override my options.

It’s normal to be afraid, certainly when you are facing life situations where you literally have no experience and no knowledge of the situation. I was forced to depend upon the experience and knowledge of professionals around me. Sometimes that paid off and sometimes it created a new disaster. What I walked away with in the end was a knowledge that even well meaning professionals can make mistakes that cost you tens of thousands of dollars and energy and time beyond your worst nightmare. I also learned more deeply to trust myself.

For me it’s over. I made some huge errors in judgement and I trusted people who certainly didn’t deserve my trust. I was in a situation with few options and a limited group of people to use as a resource. Some of those I trusted wrongly were employees of my father, others were hired professionals who made some grievous errors. Who would have dreamed in the midst of a mind boggling estate and business challenges beyond my imagination that two of those I was trying to look out for would turn out to be working against me.

One never knows what life will bring and how things will wrap themselves up in the end. I know today that I’m on the path of healer and writer. My life focus is centered on publishing my book on healing grief and relationships. I am fortunate, eventually I found my way through the hell of estate issues, closed my dad’s company and moved back into my own life and skin. I’ve lived what I hate and now I’ve begun to live what I love. It hasn’t been an easy path, rather it’s been a deeply painful path with moments of wondering how I could go on, and how I could get through it. In the end it’s been my faith, intuition, determination and my strong belief in my life’s work that’s kept me on my path through the hell storm of change I faced.

I know what it’s like to live in quiet desperation and I am grateful for reaching the other side and finding a place where I feel alive, joyful and grateful for each day. As I write this the sun is rising and I know I am blessed. I will post this to my website, see the man I adore in a couple hours and move into my day knowing spirit is guiding my life. If you are living some form of the desperation I faced. I pray you too will find your voice, hear the whispers of your intuition and find small ways to begin finding joy again. It can be done; I’m living proof and inspiration.

A Lightworker, as defined by Doreen Virtue in Archangels & Ascended Masters, is “A living human who feels called to help Earth and her inhabitants in a way that uses spiritual energy. For instance, a lightworker might feel called upon to engage in healing, teaching, or artistic work to help make the planet a better place.”  What Lightworkers do best is to shine their light.

So I began to wonder, if we’re all beings of light, are there also beings of the dark? Duality is also a part of life. Are these dark beings, as depicted in horror movies, big and scary, or are they just souls who have not experienced the light? There are certainly too many humans filled with hate, bigotry, violence, rage and destruction. One only has to turn on the nightly news to see country vs. country; religion vs. religion; race vs. race; politician vs. politician; man vs. woman; man vs. animal; man vs. Earth. It seems to me, the closer we get to 2012 the more the news is filled with misery, the more we move toward self-destruction.

The dark does have its place. We would not be able to fully appreciate the light if we didn’t have the dark for contrast. Again, it is the duality of life. If there was no darkness, no challenges, no issues, how would we be able to stretch beyond our self-imposed limits?

The question then becomes, what are the Lightworkers to do?   How do we counter this darkness. How do we make a difference when we are only one person? What I’ve discovered is the best way to counter the dark is to shine our light. It sounds so simple, and it is; however, we have to come from a position of love not ego. The essence of any Lightworker is our light or Universal Love.  I believe that most of us would love to impact the world in a grand way, but it’s the small steps that make a huge impact over time.  For all the people, places and things that are in the dark we need to illuminate them, steadily with love, compassion, peace, humility and joy.

It is our humanity that distinguishes the light from the dark. It is our compassion to care for our fellow human beings and the planet itself that shines our light. Peace, joy, love and goodwill can yet turn the tide. To bring in the light of Mother/Father God is to illuminate all that is. All we have to do is to walk in the light, one step at a time.

Namaste’

Makeda