I was stunned to learn this man, who I had loved, had married the previous day. He didn’t even have  enough respect for me to tell me himself. Does that surprise me, yes and no. Yes, because I expected  more from a man who professed at one time to love me. I would have expected a basic respect for the relationship we shared. Especially given that it only ended one year ago.

In retrospect there were times  in our relationship when I felt he didn’t know how to respect a woman fully.  When I felt disrespected and told him that. In that realization, I’m sad and angry. It makes me sad to realize he didn’t learn from the mistakes. Respect is not negotiable.  It was his responsibility to tell me himself that he was getting married.

What have I learned from this? I’ve learned that there are men who simply don’t understand that they’re disrespectful to the people in their life. I hesitate to say awful things because that’s not the kind of person I am. It isn’t how I live my life. What I can say, what I will say is that the karma of his behavior and the  way he treated me  will someday touch his heart. We can never make choices and hurt people without knowing that hurt and that pain ourselves at some time in the future. I’ve seen it happen, I’ve felt it happen in my own life.

I wish him well, I truly do. I’ve been married. I understand the committment of marriage. I wish the best for anyone who makes that kind of committment in their life. For me I’m finding peace and releasing the pain.

 There are men who know how to completely respect women. I’ve been in relationships with men who are deeply loving and respectful. In the last two weeks since I received this news, I heard from someone I dated almost 20 years ago and his thoughtful comment  about what I’d done for him, and what it meant to him was God’s way of reminding me,  there are men who actually appreciate the energy, love and kindness I bring  to a relationship. That was the reminder I needed after this experience.

This weeks quote comes from a book I love by Joan Anderson. She has written several books about her journey of self discovery.

 

Such is my morning ritual, nothing terribly complicated unless I’ve forgotten to bring logs in from the woodpile the night before. I’m deep into my time-out season of life, where it seems best to be actively passive, involved in little, aware of much. Instinct told me to take myself away and look at all the unwrapped gifts nature has to offer. The natural world is hibernating and so am I.

Joan Anderson has written several books and she  holds weekend workshops on self discovery. Her latest book is The Second Journey. You can learn more about Joan Anderson at joanandersononline.com

Dad and I before I was three years old.

As I watched My Sister’s Keeper I was touched by the raw pain of Kate’s own struggle to make sense of the changes her family faced through her illness and the devestation  of her loss as they watched her die. At one point in the movie Kate’s sister asked the judge how it felt when her daughter died. I could answer immediately, having faced the loss of my daughter and my parents as well as others near and dear to me in the last decade.

For me their loss feels like life has ended. It feels like all the blood has drained from my heart; I’m standing, breathing, yet feel empty and dead. It feels like my life is over.

I was touched by the honesty of what this family faced and how they each handled it so differently, yet in the end when Kate passed they found a way to honor her memory with a yearly family vacation to a place she loved; the wide open spaces of Montana.  For each of us how we bear our grief and find our way through our pain differs. Yet honestly no matter who we are, what we do for a living or where we live we each feel the depth of our losses deep in our soul. No matter if we reach out or go within we must take steps, baby steps forward toward our healing.

Yes, our life as we knew it is over; the life we desired blown to bits and we’re left to take one tiny step at a time into a future  we really don’t understand or care for. Our loss is deep and lasting. With time and effort our healing will begin. I heard Nate Burkus say on Oprah recently that after his partners death he didn’t want to do much of anything for four months, that he was living but felt dead. He often thought, “what’s the point of it all.” He would often stay in bed grieving.

It’s true, in the depth of our loss many of us have those times , I certainly had them. I had days when dying felt easier than living, when my mother’s loss felt like the end of my life. How do we move beyond the loss that devestates us? We take small steps. We find support whether it be a therapist, our family or friends or a healthy combination of all three. Maybe we talk to a minister or we take comfort in silent prayer. The important thing is to take a step. Each small step will lead to a bigger step when we’re ready, until we reach a place where we can take a breath again without feeling pain.

With many small steps we will reach a day when we wake up and feel a smile cross our face; when for so long there was nothing to smile about. There is no magic that will heal us. Somehow, with time after living in our pain we realize we can honor the memory and love of the one’s we’ve lost better by living joyfully. As many, myself included can attest, when a loved one is dying they usually express their desire for us to live fully. They want our happiness. They don’t want us living daily in pain or living empty lives, wishing for them. For me the best way to honor my loved ones is to touch other lives and show people through my example that there’s a way through the pain and loss.

My life looks different than I expected. I’m actually laughing as I write that statement. It’s as if a bulldozer destroyed my life and one block at a time, through a sea of tears I began to rebuild it. Did I want this life? Not so much really, but clearly God did. I now focus my life on writing, maintaining a website that supports and inspires others in grief or loss and I treasure those I love deeply. I’ve learned life is short, pain is very real and we are best served living life with as much joy as our hearts can hold. It happens one step at a time. Take that first step with me.

kinsiekins photo flickr

We all make mistakes and make choices or decisions that take us away from our center occasionally. We ruminate over our mistakes and we beat ourselves up for them much too much, when we are far better served to use our energy toward creating healing in our life  and improved choices in our future. At times we do the very best we can and we still make mistakes, that’s natural, we are human. We sometimes make mistakes out of fear, out of impulsiveness and sometimes just an error in judgement when we couldn’t read a situation clearly.

Mistakes are moments, we can’t always change the direct impact of our mistake but we can certainly take another positive route from that place. We can create good from mistakes, what we learn from we use in future situations and at times our own mistakes allow us to understand another better. There are moments of forgiveness of self and of others for each of us. When we hurt another or another hurts us it isn’t always easy to reach a place of forgiveness, though it’s best for our own healing when we reach out for that place of peace and release ourselves from that pain. Forgiveness allows us to move forward with an open and healed heart.

On most occasions people hurt us without really realizing how deeply their behavior or their actions impact us. They are seeing situations through their own eyes, not ours. Many times it’s in hind sight that they begin to realize the real impact their actions had on us. I work hard to forgive the actions of others, that have impacted and damaged my spirit and heart. At times it’s not easy, at times I”ve wanted to lash out like anyone in my moments of deepest pain and grief. At times I have been physically sick from the pain of loss and the hurt caused by another. There is a time of healing, of mending of the spirit, a time when only the love of God can work within us to help us to move through the pain and reach the other side to understand the fear or the pain or the frustration or inconsideration that drove their actions in the first place.

It doesn’t make their action right. Healing simply brings is a sense of understanding that they were  in pain or uncertainty and their choices were self defeating and that we must simply step back and allow them to live through their choices and find their own way. We can request God watch over them, we can ask that they be surrounded and supported in their lives. From there we step away and release them, forgiving them and beginning  to find our own sense of calm, knowing we did all we could do within the situation.

I find many times that things come full circle. We are given opportunities and moments to bring peace to relationships, families, and friendships when we keep our hearts open and we allow the space for others to step forward in their own way and make peace. Forgiving and making peace, doesn’t mean forgetting or allowing ourselves to be stepped on again. It means allowing the love of God to work through us, in it’s own way and beginning anew, remembering what we experienced, learning from it, and creating a new bond one day at a time, one word at a time, one message at a time. It’s allowing God to heal us, to heal a situation, to heal a heart. It’s remaining open even when we don’t understand fully what God’s plan is. It’s trusting God to lead us, to guide our life and to guide our heart peacefully so that something broken can be rebuilt.

The memorial is presented as a final goodbye, a final honoring of the soul passing, but the reality is that it’s only the beginning of a long goodbye. There are many stages and emotions in our grieving procress. At first we may be so shell shocked we are simply numb, for others there is anger at the unfairness of the passing, still others may bury their emotion along side the loved one, refusing to deal with the emotional pain they feel, instead remaining stoic.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but there is a process and no matter how we deny it, or refuse to face it, the process will go on and we will find ourselves overcome with tears, sadness or anger at odd times when we are under great stress. We may break down when something touches our heart and reminds us of our loved one. I can remember many moments when my grief has overcome me and I’ve cried unexpectedly. A few years ago as I wandered through Hallmark around my mom’s birthday, which is also Mother’s Day I was overcome with emotion as I looked at figurines, which my mom had collected. As I looked around and turned a corner my eyes lit on a fairy/angel figurine and in that moment I felt my mom watching over me. She was showing me through that tiny angel that she is there, watching, caring and loving me. It was a sweet moment of spiritual comfort. That fairy angel figurine now graces my dresser and makes me smile when I look at her.

For some the photos and belongings are a treasured reminder, for others they are too painful. Everyone honors their loved ones in different ways. I have photos and mementos all over my home as sweet reminders of those I love. My dad’s brother Theron, said to me once when visiting that its too hard for him to have all the photos around, that it’s a painful reminder. Instead he enjoys some of my dad’s furniture and belongings treasuring them in his home as a part of honoring my dad’s memory.

There will always be significant days and moments that are a struggle years after a passing. For each person the days will be different. If we can share these moments with someone we love the grief feels less and we feel more supported. This is something we must be vocal about in order to be supported in our painful moments. Many people don’t understand and need clear directives of what helps us in honoring our loved ones. Only when others understand can they step up and support us in our need.

Time truly does heal; we always hear that statement, yet I’ve found it to be true in my own grieving process. With time, years and treasured memories our hearts find peace and a way to go on, while still honoring those whose prescence we miss in our lives.

Giving ourselves time and allowing others time to grieve in their own way is critical. For some therapy helps or journaling or just having time in prayer. We are all very different souls facing loss and grief and we each need very personal ways to release our pain and move into feeling peaceful over a passing.

It’s important to reach out and share with others in our grief. Sharing our pain and burden eases it, and allows us a measure of peace. If you know someone grieving reach out to them, make them laugh, take time to talk, share and listen to their memories and pain. Your love and support in dark moments will mean the world and will be remembered.

We all love and we all feel loss, so finding ways to honor our loss, release it and feel peace again is essential. Friends, loved ones, therapists, nature, prayer and time are all a piece of the process. May you each feel supported and loved through your own healing process.
Namaste

Money By: Tracy O Flickr

Minutes later, as I stood in Arby’s getting a sandwich I noticed the man with the sign walk in. I hadn’t been able to reach him on the street, as I was in the middle lane. Now he entered the restaurant asking for a cup of water and I felt compelled to reach out to him in some small way. I spoke to him and said I saw you on the street and wasn’t able to reach you, but I wanted to help. I handed him the few dollars in cash I had in my wallet. He seemed deeply touched that I had reached out. I told him I hoped he would have a good day, and I sent a silent prayer of blessing to him. I think the most important aspect of this experience for me was the realization of how important it is to reach out to others in this economic downturn. It wasn’t about the few dollars I gave him, it was about acknowledging him and his struggle. So as I go through my day and my week I hold that recognition in my heart to acknowledge others in their moments of need and reach out in some form. It touches my life as it touches theirs.

My dolphin experience with Echelle

Being forty six gives me a certain freedom, I choose how I spend my time, energy and life. I strive each day to create good through my writing and my website, but I also strive to feel joy and contentment in my every day experiences. I love what I do, I love creating a healing space for people to enjoy, read and be inspired by. This is my life’s work and that feels more amazing than anything else; to have reached my forties and know exactly what I’m meant to be doing. It is the most divine feeling. I feel inspired, motivated and thrilled to be doing this work. I know my experiences and stories can guide others through their own journey of healing. That is a gift, to reach the other side of pain and loss and feel I can use it for something useful, something deeply uplifting. I feel grateful.

I believe when we reach our forties we view our life differently, we refocus on what we really want in our life, rather than what we think we are supposed to have in our life. We make time for ourselves, for those we love and we treasure every day, knowing that life can be short and we better play part of every day. Time doesn’t move backwards, it moves forward and as I explore this year of being forty six sometimes it flies by and I wonder if I’ve treasured each moments enough.

Life is good, I hope as you read this you will consider your own life. Are you feeling inspired? What can you do in your own life to add joy and contentment? Are you doing something you love doing? If not find a few hours a week and make it all yours. Life is full of choices. Make yours all they can be. Make them uplifting. Namaste

When we block our heart and close ourselves off we close off opportunities and experiences. We want to protect ourselves and maintain our comfort zone. In those times we feel safer but our opportunity for new experiences and growth shift down to a lesser degree of growth. Sometimes we shift back and forth, as we feel prepared to step outside ourselves and our comfort zone.

There is no right or wrong, simply a willingness to accept that life can be different and or better than we’ve previously known. We learn with experience that opportunities present themselves and we find new and more complete happiness as we allow our experiences to shift and expand. We may find our life different than we’ve ever known. We may see our experiences as foreign and uncomfortable because it’s not our usual pattern. With time we experience a new fullness and aliveness as our heart and experiences expand and reflect a new, greater comfort zone.

Not everyone feels ready to expand their relationship horizons, some prefer the zone they know, even when it doesn’t always work for them. It’s the devil they knew, so rather than create a new kind of life they prefer to stay with what they know, even if it doesn’t truly serve them. There’s a line drawn in the sand and only they can decide when, in their heart of hearts that they are willing to cross it and begin to live life in a deeper more authentic level. It’s always a choice and a chance to love anew and to live breathlessly.
Namaste