Life was so beautiful, I felt like I’d been given  such a gift, my heart overflowed with absolute joy, with love. Just looking at him brought me the most intense pleasure and brought my deepest feelings of love to the surface. I felt so blessed, so happy.  Within a week I could feel his fear. I believe it was fear over what I’d expect, now knowing he loved me. I just wanted to bask in his love, to share my heart and soul with him and treasure every single second of our life.

Sixteen days after telling me he loved me, he abruptly ended our relationship. I was devestated, shocked and stunned. We’d been through so much in fourteen months. We’d  faced much together; a tremendous family crisis, health issues, his son’s hospitalizations. There had been much good. There had been many sweet, tender, exquisite moments and some really dark, painful, challenging moments. His fears and concerns had surfaced over and over in the fourteen months,  making him break away for several days at a time, deciding if he wanted to be a part of my life. I’d had more than enough of the indecision. I thought at last with his admission of loving me, we had  moved beyond the fears, beyond the uncertainty. I thought we were on our way to a life together. In no way did I ever imagine he would freak out in fear and end our relationship.

He called me on the phone, I could tell you exactly what I was doing, where I was standing, when he told me he’d decided to end it. He’d told me a few days before he was uncertain and wanted time to think about us. All of this after he told me he loved me and couldn’t imagine his life without me. I was shattered, it was a miracle I could pull myself out of bed everyday and function. I loved him so deeply, so completely. It had been a long time since I’d allowed myself to open my heart so completely. To have it end and to end in such a fashion was shattering.

We sat down a couple days later and talked.  He told me his reasons, which I learned later were lies. I hate to say that, because even today I think this man is a good man and great father. He told me he wanted to end it because he didn’t want to be in a relationship, he wanted to be alone and spend more time with his kids. It was devestating, yet I believed him. I could see his fear. I didn’t understand any of it. The entire time we’d shared our lives I’d bent over backwards to be inclusive to his two wonderful children, who I came to love and to his mother who became my friend.

Being a step child myself, I understood completely that his children  needed to have time alone with him and time to just be dad and son or dad and daughter. I knew how much I’d needed that in my own life with my father after he remarried and I worked  hard to make certain Rob  had the time alone to spend with his kids, without my presence.

If anyone had asked me to take bets on what happened next I wouldn’t have called any of it in a million years. Of course knowing this man as I did, maybe I should have realized by his fly by the seat of his pants way of living and spur of the moment decisions that he was one to do things no one could ever expect.

Within 35 days of ending our relationship he met someone, on Mother’s Day weekend. Fabulous for me, since my mom’s birthday and mother’ day are all on the same weekend and are a painful reminder of her passing. When he called me and told me he wanted to see me the Monday after Mother’s Day I wasn’t exactly in the most receptive mood to talk to him given the fact he hadn’t bothered to text or call me to say he gave a crap about the fact that it was a rough weekend for me. When we met and talked he told me about the woman he’d met and that he was going to start dating her. I felt like I’d been blindsided. What about the fact that he wanted to be alone? What about the fact he wanted more time with his kids? What about the fact he’d told me he loved me just weeks ago? I wanted to rip his face off. Miss Kindness and gentleness lost it, I called him every awful thing that came to my mind. It wasn’t one of my finest moments. So the reality wasn’t that he left me to be alone and spend more time with his kids. The reality was something quite different.

Part One of a series on Healing With Time.

Life was so beautiful, I felt like I’d been given  such a gift, my heart overflowed with absolute joy, with love. Just looking at him brought me the most intense pleasure and brought my deepest feelings of love to the surface. I felt so blessed, so happy.  Within a week I could feel his fear. I believe it was fear over what I’d expect, now knowing he loved me. I just wanted to bask in his love, to share my heart and soul with him and treasure every single second of our life.

Sixteen days after telling me he loved me, he abruptly ended our relationship. I was devestated, shocked and stunned. We’d been through so much in fourteen months. We’d  faced much together; a tremendous family crisis, health issues, his son’s hospitalizations. There had been much good. There had been many sweet, tender, exquisite moments and some really dark, painful, challenging moments. His fears and concerns had surfaced over and over in the fourteen months,  making him break away for several days at a time, deciding if he wanted to be a part of my life. I’d had more than enough of the indecision. I thought at last with his admission of loving me, we had  moved beyond the fears, beyond the uncertainty. I thought we were on our way to a life together. In no way did I ever imagine he would freak out in fear and end our relationship.

He called me on the phone, I could tell you exactly what I was doing, where I was standing, when he told me he’d decided to end it. He’d told me a few days before he was uncertain and wanted time to think about us. All of this after he told me he loved me and couldn’t imagine his life without me. I was shattered, it was a miracle I could pull myself out of bed everyday and function. I loved him so deeply, so completely. It had been a long time since I’d allowed myself to open my heart so completely. To have it end and to end in such a fashion was shattering.

We sat down a couple days later and talked.  He told me his reasons, which I learned later were lies. I hate to say that, because even today I think this man is a good man and great father. He told me he wanted to end it because he didn’t want to be in a relationship, he wanted to be alone and spend more time with his kids. It was devestating, yet I believed him. I could see his fear. I didn’t understand any of it. The entire time we’d shared our lives I’d bent over backwards to be inclusive to his two wonderful children, who I came to love and to his mother who became my friend.

Being a step child myself, I understood completely that his children  needed to have time alone with him and time to just be dad and son or dad and daughter. I knew how much I’d needed that in my own life with my father after he remarried and I worked  hard to make certain Rob  had the time alone to spend with his kids, without my presence.

If anyone had asked me to take bets on what happened next I wouldn’t have called any of it in a million years. Of course knowing this man as I did, maybe I should have realized by his fly by the seat of his pants way of living and spur of the moment decisions that he was one to do things no one could ever expect.

Within 35 days of ending our relationship he met someone, on Mother’s Day weekend. Fabulous for me, since my mom’s birthday and mother’ day are all on the same weekend and are a painful reminder of her passing. When he called me and told me he wanted to see me the Monday after Mother’s Day I wasn’t exactly in the most receptive mood to talk to him given the fact he hadn’t bothered to text or call me to say he gave a crap about the fact that it was a rough weekend for me. When we met and talked he told me about the woman he’d met and that he was going to start dating her. I felt like I’d been blindsided. What about the fact that he wanted to be alone? What about the fact he wanted more time with his kids? What about the fact he’d told me he loved me just weeks ago? I wanted to rip his face off. Miss Kindness and gentleness lost it, I called him every awful thing that came to my mind. It wasn’t one of my finest moments. So the reality wasn’t that he left me to be alone and spend more time with his kids. The reality was something quite different.

Part One of a series on Healing With Time.

“Hurt People, hurt people.”

This quote came from my friend Susan who is a counselor, she heard this in a graduate class she’s enrolled in.

Photo Credit: Lisa Overman

We all have moments, weeks and years in our lives when pain, grief and loss overcome us. We move through our losses at the pace our hearts allow. For some healing comes more quickly than for others, there is no right or wrong when a heart is healing. The statement “Time Heals” was on my mom’s nurse tee shirt and I have found that to be true in my own life, with my own losses.

At times there is nothing we can to do help another heal besides offer our love and support. At times our love and support will be turned away, as our friends or loved ones grapple with their pain, loss and scars in their own way. I can attest that it is frustrating beyond belief to watch someone you love turn away from your love and your support because they are in pain and can’t open their hearts fully. 

In those times there is nothing more to do than step back and allow God to touch their life and help them to heal. There is only so much any of us can offer and if we are turned away then we release them, knowing we did everything we could. We gave our support and our love freely and there is nothing more to be done. In their deepest pain only God can guide our friends and loved ones who need to heal.

Healing takes place as each person is ready for it. For some it’s a dark, scary, painful, path. I know, I’ve walked that path several times over in losing my parents, my daughter and so many friends and relatives to death. I walked it as my marriage ended. There is no easy way down that path, it is a path that we walk with God, without even knowing it. We are supported and loved even in our darkest pain and deepest grief, even when we don’t feel it, and long for support. The hardest part of having walked that path is knowing I can’t take away another’s pain or fear. Those are things that have to happen within each of us, we have to willingly open our heart again and take a chance to love, even when we feel our lives have been destroyed by the pain love caused.

There is no easy path through the pain of watching your marriage end, watching the one you love walk away and go to another. I know, I watched it happen in my own life. I watched my husband walk away six months after our daughter died, moving in with another woman. In that same time period my grandfather whom I adored died and just months later my aunt was killed by a drunk driver.
It was truly the year from hell. I don’t know how my family and I made it through that darkness; but we did.

I went on to love again, to love more deeply and to love more passionately because then I understood how quickly loss can come and how precious each day with those we love is. Life can end in a instant and goodbyes don’t always come. I know that first hand. So now I live generously, with passion and with a grateful heart for everyone in my life. It isn’t always easy and sometimes I get slapped with pain and loss again, but I know God is always there and I will always be supported and guided.

There is nothing we can do but share our hearts with love, with those we treasure. When those we love walk away, as they sometimes do we can only pray that if they are meant to be a part of our lives that God will heal their hearts and heal ours too. Healing comes as we are ready to accept it. Sometimes we fight it, we struggle in every way to go against it because we are so deeply in pain and fear. In those darkest times, I pray that God’s support will be felt by those I love, and by those you love too. All we can do is pray that healing comes on angels wings and those we love find joy, peace and love again. There is nothing more we can ask. Love heals

Money By: Tracy O Flickr

Minutes later, as I stood in Arby’s getting a sandwich I noticed the man with the sign walk in. I hadn’t been able to reach him on the street, as I was in the middle lane. Now he entered the restaurant asking for a cup of water and I felt compelled to reach out to him in some small way. I spoke to him and said I saw you on the street and wasn’t able to reach you, but I wanted to help. I handed him the few dollars in cash I had in my wallet. He seemed deeply touched that I had reached out. I told him I hoped he would have a good day, and I sent a silent prayer of blessing to him. I think the most important aspect of this experience for me was the realization of how important it is to reach out to others in this economic downturn. It wasn’t about the few dollars I gave him, it was about acknowledging him and his struggle. So as I go through my day and my week I hold that recognition in my heart to acknowledge others in their moments of need and reach out in some form. It touches my life as it touches theirs.